i wonder how it works that i can manage to get so much work done and still have so much time to slack off. for example, i slept in until 10.20 this morning (the second morning in a row, which is unusual for me), ate a hearty breakfast of eggs, toast, and orange-tangerine juice, had some interesting conversations with my brother, sat on the kitchen table and watched the chickadees eat from the birdfeeder for about twenty minutes, drove to pick-up shane at his house so he could keep jeff company, and started doing my homework around noon. now i'm like, finished with everything. yesterday i finished wrapping all my christmas gifts, wrote my ap lang paper, did my newspaper homework, and cleaned the entire fishtank (which took two hours in itself), yet i was still sitting around bored for another three hours.

i suppose i could try blogging a bit more often. it seems i can only find the time on sundays and thursdays, which is odd. i could always, like, try leaving the house, i guess. but what is there to do? where would i go? i know my friends are all tied-up in their homework loads right now, so to try and plan a social outing with any of them is a waste of my time (not to say, of course, that just sitting here isn't). oh well. it'll sort itself out soon enough.

i can't believe that christmas is nearly upon me. i mean, i'm all prepared for it and everything, and james is still holding up strong in the living room (he's been there long enough for me to take not of him, too), but something just feels lacking. i know it's just the childish lust that comes with christmas eve and the likes, and i know i won't ever view this holiday in the same sense again, but i wish i could. i know things'll be better once i pass all my gifts out to my friends and feel accomplished. giving is the best feeling i know, whether it be material goods or in an emotional sense. it's just nice to show people i care about them, because i know i can be cold at times and make fun of my friends when it's completely uncalled for. they should know that i always need them there for me, and i'm sure they do for the most part. maybe everyone just needs a little reminder every once in a while.

in the meantime, i really think i have to start taking a better advantage on all this wonderfully fluffy snow. i've only gone sledding on a few occasions, and i've stayed close to home by only going down my hill or our neighbor's driveway. the outdoors keeps beckoning me, though, and the snow isn't stopping in an attempt to draw me outside. the snow must not feel i'm not doing a very good job paying attention to it because it just won't stop falling. maybe i'll go round up jeff and shane and we can build a snowfort...or maybe i'll just do it myself. or, better yet, i can go through snowballs at the windows on that gross new house they're building (which, to make things worse, now has the most hideous light-yellow siding in the entire world). maybe i'll go back to that spot under the pine trees and take another nap, if i can manage to find it again. maybe i'll call adam and force him to come over here even though he has a ton of homework to do, just because the outdoors seems to be more enjoyable when he's next to me.

"life is like a ten-speed bicycle - most of us have gears we'll never use."

i had this dream about two nights ago where i was walking around in this dark gray goo that came halfway up my torso. i could sense there were evil things lurking in the muck, but they weren't harming me or my family (who happened to be walking with me). the substance was very cold, and i found it very difficult to walk. there wasn't really anything else in sight as far as my eyes could see; just this thick gloop that i couldn't see through and had to struggle to get through. i was mad about having to walk in it, but it wasn't exactly the greatest thing in the world, either.

in a sense, it kind of reminded me of how my life has been going. nothing's really wrong and things aren't bad at all, but i'm still finding it difficult to get by every day for some reason. i think there is something chemically unbalanced in my system right now, like there's not enough of something. i don't know why i feel like this, because out of everyone i know, i've got the most pulling for me. i  have everything i've wanted and everything i need - save for my first love, who now rests in heaven, but that's something i'm going to have to learn to deal with. there's nothing i can really do about it.

i told adam today that i wanted to go to the humane society just to be around all the dogs, and i still plan on getting around to doing that. there is a love in dogs that only they can give, and no person or thing can ever replace that part of me that isn't being loved by a dog right now. when i think about it, that's really the only life i know. i don't know how to live without a dog. it's like trying to live without air; i'm just so used to it that i didn't notice the love until it died one night back in october.

to be honest, i really didn't realize this void until last night when i was laying at the bottom of my yard in my purple sled, all bundled-up underneath the dark sky in such a silent world. the wind would pick-up suddenly, with a sound like a car driving by on a distant road, and the braches on the trees would click and clack together, disturbing the stillness in the cold air. i guess it was the first time i really noted the silence. usually in the winter, whenever i'd go outside, rollie would tag along and steal my hat and gloves when i'd reach the bottom of the hill. no one was there to steal my hat this time around, though. jeff wasn't even around. i was by myself outside, trying to piece together pieces of my childhood memories to make the experience feel the same, but it was pointless to even try. as sondre says, "days that are over will not continue to last / if you try to construct the past." that's just how it was, and i know that's just how it's going to have to be.

but i'm just being down-right selfish. what do i really need? why, nothing that i don't already have. so i need to stop complaining. lonliness is like my great-aunt, who is forced to live in a nursing home now, about 10 years after her husband died and she's unable to live on her own because she keeps falling down and not being able to get up for days because no one's there to keep an eye on her because all her her brothers and sisters have died and because she never had kids and because everyone else is so preoccupied with their own lives that my mom only gets around to calling her about once a month or so, which i can only assume is about as often as the other family members get around to talking to her. so i have absolutely nothing to complain about.

"if your mind isn't open, keep your mouth shut."

12.10.05

12:25 pm

"well, i think we're ready to go," my dad told me this morning after i had packed the car with the hockey gear and sleeping bags and the two of us were standing in the laundry room.

"i'll tell you what i'm not ready for - getting in that car with him," i responded indifferently.

"no doubt," he laughed. "i think you should just wait here until your mom gets back and then you guys can come out to the car together."

i know adam is always raving about car trips and all their glory, but i despise getting into a car with my family more than i can possible explain. my brother is always in the worse possible mood as soon as he steps foot in a car. he curses my parents and angerly shoves his hockey gear into the bag while muttering to himself how stupid everything in the world is. i don't understand how the littlest things can get him so mad sometimes. the mornings before we leave are always unbearable. my mom and dad started arguing, then jeff stepped into the kitchen and started yelling at both of them, and finally my dad shouted at everyone to calm down.

whenever people yell i get really scared. i don't like people when they start yelling and getting mad because people are always so unpredictible when their feathers get ruffled. i think i know someone, but then i see them angry and my whole perception of them changes. i still don't understand my brother and i've known him since he was born. sure, i know what makes him angry, but i don't understand why he responds the way he does and why these things make him so angry. my mom yells, my dad yells, my brother yells - all at each other - and what do i do? the same thing i always do: i just stand there, staring out the window without looking at anything or just looking at floor. i can't tune them out but i can't join them, either. i try to stay as still as i can in the hopes that they don't notice my presence and ask me to join. that's just how i deal with it. how else can i possibly respond to something i don't understand?

human emotions are so confusing to me. i find it hard enough to sort out what i'm going through all the time (hence the reason i write) and to try and figure someone else out is just so time consuming. i don't think i've ever gotten under someone's skin so well that i can indentify with them all the time. with andrew, i knew how he would respond to the things i'd do or say, but that doesn't mean i understood why. i'm learning now how adam responds to certain statements and actions, but will i ever be able to understand his motives? maybe, perhaps in time, but the concept of being able to grasp the reasoning behind people's actions is still one i can't get a handle on. i need emotions to be in black and white when i'm with someone; i need a play-by-play commentary as to why they do the things they do; i need the blueprints of their heart and mind. i think it's the only way i'm going to be able to learn how my friends and family work.

of course, the car rides get better the farther we drive. everyone excahnges their shouting for a silence that isn't unbearable but definitely noticeable. i like it better this way. either my mom or dad drive, and the one who isn't driving is usually napping in the passenger seat. my brother sits in the very back of the suburban playing on the laptop while listening to music. i always take the bucket seat behind the driver so that i can watch the cars passing on the other side of the highway as well as the scenery. this way i never get bored. if i'm not doing homework or reading, that's what i'm doing - staring, only this time i actually look at stuff. since i can't talk outloud because the silence won't let me, i talk to myself in my head and explore thoughts i haven't been able to sort out in the rush of daily life. that's why i really like the silence. i can think. it seems to me i never really get a chance to think anymore about the things i really want to think about. i have to think about how to put together the next issue of the black and gold or about physics and ap lang class or about how i'm possibly going to be able to see adam after schoool...it's nice when i actually have a choice as to what i want to think about. i can think about how many people in the world are thinking about the same things i am right at this very second. i can think about how many trees are within my eyesight right now. i can wonder about what jason mraz is doing. i can ask myself if i'll ever be able to open my mind wide enough to see all the millions of colors there are in the world, not just the ones in the rainbows. i can think about how much pollution there is in the air. i can think about each of the people we pass in the car, and what their biggest problems are in their lives and if i would ever be able to help them with these problems.

i decided the other day that i'm going to start volunteering at the father fred foundation. i figure it's the least i can do for how good i have things in my life. why should i have so much when everyone else has so little? everyone i know, and especially those i don't, seem to have nothing compared to all the wonderful things i have. my parents are still together and others have divorced parents. i have the ability to walk when others don't. i don't have to wear glasses, and other people do. i have a warm house that i can come home to every night and other people don't. i understand chemistry and other people don't. i can write about whatever i want to and be able to say it (for the most part) pretty clearly when other people struggle for words to express what they feel. i have wonderful friends who care about me when other people spend their fridays and saturdays alone. i have adam, who is undoubtly incredible, and he only has me; i'm so plain. so if i have all this, i feel like i have to give back to somebody. the best i can figure is that i give back to those people who don't know me or understand my motives or anything like that. they'll be the most thankful for my actions because they don't understand them. that's why random acts of kindness mean so much to me. that's why i was in complete awe of this one sophomore who was walking down the stairs in front of me a month or so ago. he was pretty far in front of me, but when he reached the doors at the bottom, he opened the door and held it open for me, even though i was still coming down the stairs. i didn't even notice it until i had already passed through the door because it was so unexpected. kids at our school never do that anymore. they always seem to have better places to go, when in reality everyone complains about going to class and having to suffer through another math lesson. so why don't more people stall and hold doors open for strangers? maybe they don't realize how much of an impact it has on people like me who are blown away by the genuine beauty of the human soul.

there really aren't any bad people in the world.

not even that person who deleted all the black and gold files, including our entire issue 3 to-be.

that person isn't really bad. i just don't understand their motives.