i had this dream about two nights ago where i was walking around in this dark gray goo that came halfway up my torso. i could sense there were evil things lurking in the muck, but they weren't harming me or my family (who happened to be walking with me). the substance was very cold, and i found it very difficult to walk. there wasn't really anything else in sight as far as my eyes could see; just this thick gloop that i couldn't see through and had to struggle to get through. i was mad about having to walk in it, but it wasn't exactly the greatest thing in the world, either.

in a sense, it kind of reminded me of how my life has been going. nothing's really wrong and things aren't bad at all, but i'm still finding it difficult to get by every day for some reason. i think there is something chemically unbalanced in my system right now, like there's not enough of something. i don't know why i feel like this, because out of everyone i know, i've got the most pulling for me. i  have everything i've wanted and everything i need - save for my first love, who now rests in heaven, but that's something i'm going to have to learn to deal with. there's nothing i can really do about it.

i told adam today that i wanted to go to the humane society just to be around all the dogs, and i still plan on getting around to doing that. there is a love in dogs that only they can give, and no person or thing can ever replace that part of me that isn't being loved by a dog right now. when i think about it, that's really the only life i know. i don't know how to live without a dog. it's like trying to live without air; i'm just so used to it that i didn't notice the love until it died one night back in october.

to be honest, i really didn't realize this void until last night when i was laying at the bottom of my yard in my purple sled, all bundled-up underneath the dark sky in such a silent world. the wind would pick-up suddenly, with a sound like a car driving by on a distant road, and the braches on the trees would click and clack together, disturbing the stillness in the cold air. i guess it was the first time i really noted the silence. usually in the winter, whenever i'd go outside, rollie would tag along and steal my hat and gloves when i'd reach the bottom of the hill. no one was there to steal my hat this time around, though. jeff wasn't even around. i was by myself outside, trying to piece together pieces of my childhood memories to make the experience feel the same, but it was pointless to even try. as sondre says, "days that are over will not continue to last / if you try to construct the past." that's just how it was, and i know that's just how it's going to have to be.

but i'm just being down-right selfish. what do i really need? why, nothing that i don't already have. so i need to stop complaining. lonliness is like my great-aunt, who is forced to live in a nursing home now, about 10 years after her husband died and she's unable to live on her own because she keeps falling down and not being able to get up for days because no one's there to keep an eye on her because all her her brothers and sisters have died and because she never had kids and because everyone else is so preoccupied with their own lives that my mom only gets around to calling her about once a month or so, which i can only assume is about as often as the other family members get around to talking to her. so i have absolutely nothing to complain about.

"if your mind isn't open, keep your mouth shut."